Bringing Home the Bacon, by Carrie Reeve Benuska

I was a stay-at-home mom for over 16 years, and my life during that period revolved around my kids almost exclusively.  Most of my identity was wrapped up in this important job, and I did very little for myself.    Outside of their time in school or extra-curricular activities, they were with me.  I worked in their classrooms, I attended field trips, I planned birthday parties, I made their meals, I quizzed them on their spelling words, and I drove them to countless play dates and assorted activities.  When my kids were sad, I was sad.  When my kids were happy, I was happy.  Those years of child rearing were extremely busy and challenging but also represent some of the best years of my life.

At the end of my stay-at-home mom years, I found myself quite dissatisfied with my day-to-day life.  My kids were all in school, and they were becoming increasingly independent.  No longer were my trips to the grocery store also an opportunity to teach, talk, and connect with my kids.  Cleaning the house was no longer a perfect activity to perform while keeping an eye on the activities of my kids and their friends.  I was all alone and increasingly bored and frustrated with the activities of a housewife.  I knew that I needed to give my kids distance to pull away and become their own people, but this was hard for me.  I had trained myself to think about them so much, that I had trouble turning that off.  Something needed to change.

I ultimately made the decision to enter the workforce as a realtor, a job that seemed perfect for me, because I still longed to be around the house for my kids in the afternoon.  I wanted to continue to go to their games and participate in their daily lives.  Even as I studied for the real estate exam, I felt my mind coming alive.  In the days before the test, I turned up my studying to a fever pitch and found myself dreaming about the material I was memorizing.  I desperately wanted to pass the test, my first requirement for getting a job at any local real estate firm.  I followed every tip that was given me for successful test taking, pulled out all of my high school math skills, and carefully read every question on the test.  The days following the test were anxious for me, and I regularly scanned the Department of Real Estate website looking for news of the results.  When I finally saw the words “Pass” show up, I was thrilled beyond belief.  My new era as a working mom was about to begin.

Starting a new job was both exhilarating and frightening.  I still kept most of the same responsibilities at home and yet I also sought to build a real estate business in the beginning days of the real estate crisis.  I worried that my kids and husband would feel abandoned.  I wanted to make the transition seamless, almost like nothing had changed.  I aimed to keep everyone happy, satisfied, and content.  I soon realized that I was going to have to release my need to be the perfect woman.  I was going to have to let some people down in order to accomplish my goals.

I found ways to lighten my load at home by out-sourcing to others.  I gave myself grace to miss a game every once in awhile.  I started to allow my mind to focus on my business, without feeling guilty.  My kids were not always happy that things were not they way they used to be, but I was becoming increasingly happy, content, and fulfilled.  They had to learn that I was not going to be available at every moment of every day to bring them food, drop off forgotten homework, or drive them to a friend’s house, and I had to learn to not fear their disappointment.  My mind was no longer riveted to every detail of my kid’s lives, and I felt free to allow them the space to grow and develop into young adults.  Slowly but surely I became comfortable with myself as a working mom.

As I sit here today, I only have one more child in the home (she is out-of-town today, too!)  Both of my older kids are thoroughly ensconced in their college world and might not ever live at home again.  Boy am I happy that I took that real estate exam over four years ago!  The step from busy mom of three to quiet mom of one has been much easier than I could have imagined.  My life is full.  My mind is stretched.  My character is growing.  I have to believe that my kids benefitted from this life change, too.  The last four years forced them to become a bit more independent.

I think about my college kids every day and look forward to our phone conversations, text messages, and emails.  I love to hear about what is going on in their lives and pray regularly for their safety and growth.  These thoughts don’t dominate me, though.  I am busy with complicated escrows, showing property, developing marketing ideas, completing real estate paperwork, and continuing my training.  I also have a busy high school daughter, a fantastic husband, three naughty dogs, and a house that needs continuous work and renovation.  I am right where I want to be!

Nancy

Earlier in the week, I got a message that jolted me to my very core.  I learned that one of my best friends had passed away from a massive heart attack.  My body and mind literally went into a form of shock.  How could this be?  Nancy was a woman of amazing strength.  She was good to her body, giving it ample exercise, healthy nutrition, and daily vitamins.  Nancy was the woman who had it all together; the one you went to when you needed advice.  She was decisive, she walked at lightning speed, she ran a highly successful business, she took care of the needs of her family and all those around her, she kept her house clean, and she made her bed every morning.  Nancy seemed invincible.  At the moment that the message was delivered, my mind simply could not wrap itself around the fact that my dear friend was gone from my life forever.

Within two hours, I left the shock and awe phase and my mind began to spin with memories of our nearly 25-year friendship.  The tears began to flow as I remembered experiences, conversations, and events shared with Nancy.  My tearful periods did not end on that first day.  Ever since the first alert came about her death, I cycle through periods of calm and then back into periods of intense sadness.  Although my life continues with household duties, work responsibilities, and daily errands, I am left with the reality that my life will never quite be the same without Nancy in it.

She was a friend who was a constant throughout my entire adult life.  During my young mother years living in Altadena, I saw or talked to Nancy many times a week.  Our kids played together, we solved the problems of the world while walking the streets of Altadena with our dogs, and we discussed our newly formed home-based businesses.  Once I moved from Altadena, I didn’t see Nancy on a regular basis, but she was there.  We would then meet for lunch or coffee and catch up on all of the latest family news.  When we greeted one another, it was as if we had never left one another.  There was never a question about whether we loved one another or whether we were still close.  The moment that we began a phone conversation, an email exchange, or a lovely lunch at Julienne,  we simply picked up where we had left off the last time.  There was never a loss for words or a need to explain a lot of background.  We knew each other’s greatest loves and deepest fears.  We had walked through the pains and triumphs of each other’s lives for so many years, that friendship was easy.

The problem with life is that we often take it for granted and forget that it is but a whisper.  The bible is full of references to the brevity of life.  Job laments that his life passes “more swiftly than a runner.”  The older I get, the quicker that each year seems to pass, but I still don’t carry that reality in my conscious mind on a daily basis.  With all of my busyness, I lose track of the fact that each day could be my last, or worse yet, that each day could be the last for someone I love.  Wouldn’t I make different choices if I kept this reality in my mind on a regular basis?  It would clear away a lot of the clutter that fills my mind and help me to focus on what is the most important – my relationship with God and with the people I love.

I will sorely miss my dear friend, Nancy, for the rest of my days.  The loss of her presence will leave a hole in my heart and life.  My comfort is in knowing that she is happily seated at the feet of Jesus, basking in his glory and sweetly singing his praises.  Her life was oriented around serving her God and I am comforted in knowing that she has found eternal rest and peace.

Thinking of heaven can sometimes be a bit daunting, because the eternal is ethereal and requires faith to comprehend.  When I think of entering the gates of heaven, I like to imagine that someone I know and love will be there to greet me and lead the way into eternity.  I hope that Nancy will serve as my guide, providing me with the same comfort and wisdom in heaven that she provided me on this earth.  Until that day, though, I must allow her death to impact my every day, because indeed, each day is precious.

Powerful Women Unite! by Carrie Reeve Benuska

This weekend I saw one of the funniest movies ever – “Bridesmaids”.  I do admit that my humor has degenerated over the course of time, and I am easily entertained, but this movie literally had me crying at times.  The writers touched upon themes that are so central to the world of female friendships.  Through satire and exaggeration, the writers spent 2 hours pointing out how silly we women can be.  Similar to the movie, “The Hangover”, they used the events surrounding a wedding to frame the story.

The theme that struck me the most and was interwoven throughout the movie is the general jealousy and competitiveness that most women feel toward one another.  There are two bridesmaids that continually try to out-do one another in an effort to gain the favor of the bride.  In scene after scene, these two women seek to elevate themselves by tearing the other one down.  They innately feel that only one of them can be the bride’s “best friend”, and each of them goes to extremes to show the bride that they should be #1.

This portrait of female friendships could not be more different from the one painted in “The Hangover”.  In this hysterical movie, the cast is a group of men who go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party.  Although this movie pokes fun in a completely different way, there is rarely a sense of competition between the men.  They are not working against one another or trying to prove their worth.  The men are bound together for a common goal.  If they get mad at each other, then they instantly express their anger and move on.  Although the men in this movie behave very poorly, they also portray how simple and uncomplicated male relationships can be.

In comparison, female friendships are indeed complicated.  Most women yearn for deep relationships that involve the sharing of emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams and disappointments.  Most women are emotional creatures who care deeply about their spouse, parents, friends, and children.  Most women like to discuss things, work things out, and process their feelings.  This level of intimacy is a beautiful thing but also opens women to hurt and rejection.  It is no wonder that female friendships are intricate and puzzling at times.

What makes me frustrated, though, is how difficult it is for women to rejoice in the power and success of other women.  Whereas powerful men long to be in the presence of other powerful men, women seem to allow another woman’s power to make them feel bad about themselves.  Women naturally compare themselves against everyone around them and often feel intimidated by those who are thriving and successful.  Therefore, women need to either hide their power, hang out more with men, or lead an isolated life.  How sad is that!

I wish that as women we could celebrate the innate “fabulousness” that lies within each woman.  There is not a limited supply of excellence in the world.  Another woman’s success does not take away one iota from my ability to reach my own goals.  In fact, I think that we could accomplish much more if we joined the same team.  Each of our lives is different, and we each have a unique role to play in this world.  We should rejoice when another woman is able to live the life that she dreams of – whatever form that life might take.

I think that we should take a lesson from the boys here.  It is time for powerful women to unite.  Let’s rejoice in the innate power that we each embody and encourage the women around us to do the same.  The world would truly be a better place!

The Blessing of a Great Mom, by Carrie Reeve Benuska

Today is a day to celebrate moms.  Although there are no hard and fast rules about a woman being the primary caregiver, I was blessed with an extremely devoted mother.  I also served as the primary caregiver for my own kids as a stay-at-home mom for 16 years.  I love dads and I have met many wonderful nannies, but I truly believe that there is nothing like a great mom.  A mom not only impacts her own children but has an affect on generations to come.

I could not wait to be a mom.  Not even a year after our marriage, I began pestering my husband to start a family.  He thought I was crazy and I was only 22 years old, but I had a calling to be a mom.  The years that I spent at home with my kids were truly amazing.  I loved every moment and counted it a true privilege to be able to dedicate my time to their care.  My inspiration from the beginning was my own fantastic mom.  Not only has she always been my #1 fan, but she helped form my inner core and the person that I have become.

My mom dedicated her entire life to raising, protecting, caring for, and nurturing my brother and me.  Our home was not an easy one, and she was incredibly unhappy in her marriage to my dad.  She continued to grapple with her own painful childhood, and yet still tried to respect and love her own difficult mother.  My mom certainly did not do it all right, but there are some things that she did for me that set me on the right course for a successful life.  There were qualities of her mothering that have helped me begin breaking the dysfunctional mold handed down from generations past.  My mom had no role models and she received no support from my dad, but she obviously made a conscious choice to do things differently.  I hate to boil my mom’s qualities down to a list, but I would like to highlight 3 things that my mom provided me that have inexorably changed my life:

1. Unconditional Love – Although human love is always imperfect, my mom loved me lavishly and unconditionally.  She loved me in a way that made me feel completely accepted and uniquely special.  She hugged me, kissed me, told me that she loved me daily, listened to my stories, laughed at my jokes, and let me listen to my favorite music on the car radio.  My mom loved me almost too much, because it has been hard to find anyone in life who is as good at it as she is.
2. Stability – Our home was marked by incredible instability, with the presence of an alcoholic, depressed, and narcissistic father.  Through all of the drama, though, my mom was someone who I could count on.  She was up every morning before me, was dressed, and usually was preparing my breakfast.  She exercised religiously every morning, she kept the house clean, she picked me up on time from activities, and she was always home when I got home from school.  She certainly wasn’t spontaneous or a risk-taker, but that stability was very important to me throughout my early childhood years.
3. Inner Strength – My mom could not be more gentle, kind or unassuming, but she definitely has a fighter’s spirit within her.  Even though she received little from her own alcoholic mother, she worked diligently in school, got in to Stanford University, and found a way to fund herself through 4 years at this incredible institution.  Although she married someone similar to her own mom and had to suffer through many years in an unhappy marriage, she ultimately had the strength to leave my dad and pull us away from him before he self destructed.  After her divorce, she was forced to return to work.  She had a History degree and no recent work experience, so she had to work 2 jobs to support us, which allowed us to stay in our family home.  My mom was a such a valued employee wherever she worked that she even made enough money to save for my wedding during those difficult years.  Wow!

For those of you who think that my mom is too good to be true, in some ways you are correct.  Although she is not perfect, and I have spent years in therapy making sense of my childhood experiences,  I always end up back where I started – totally and completely in love with my mom.

Thank you, mom, for everything that you have done for me.  You are truly one-of-a-kind!

Getting Organized, by Carrie Reeve Benuska

With kids away at camp, this week has been a flurry of organizational activities for me.  For some reason, when my kids are away from home, I am filled with energy to get household tasks accomplished (too bad I can’t summon the energy on a day-by-day basis!)  With my office located in a portion of my living room, it is quite important for me to keep on top of my clutter, which I have not been doing for months.  My saving grace is a tall couch, which blocks the view of my desk.  Unfortunately, all of my un-filed paperwork, office supplies and extra computer equipment were spilling out of my designated area, causing quite an eye-sore as you walk into my living room.  It was time for a major clean out.

Once I get going on a project, you better watch out.  I pulled everything out of the cabinets, threw tons of things away, scrubbed everything clean and re-organized everything back into my cabinets and drawers.  Ahhh!  What a feeling of accomplishment and calm I feel after one of my sessions.  I even moved to other parts of the house and yard and took on additional projects.  This included pulling all of the garbage out of the garage so that I can park my BMW under cover.  So much physical activity, lifting, pulling and packing have left me with sore muscles and weary bones.  I am exhausted but clear of mind.

I know in my head that staying organized is great for my life.  I can work much more efficiently, because I know where things are stored and can access them quickly.  An organized home or office give a good impression to those who come to visit (especially if they just drop by!)  In addition, I am confident that when I am organized, my stress level is greatly decreased and that my mind is clear to take on the important work that I have to do.  All good stuff!

My difficulty is not convincing myself of the great benefits of an organized life but rather the discipline to live an organized life on a daily basis.  Once things get away from me, I tend to become overwhelmed and just let everything go (shove things into a cabinet, make piles, convince myself I will take it on tomorrow).  The key is to keep it up.  Martha Stewart has a few ideas of things that you should do everyday:

• Make the Bed – Tidiness begets tidiness. A crisply made bed makes the whole room seem more orderly, which makes it less likely that you’ll let other things — such as clothes and papers — pile up around it.
• Manage Clutter – Whenever you leave a room, take a quick look around for anything that isn’t where it should be. Pick it up and put it where it belongs. Insist that everyone in the household do the same.
• Sort the Mail – Take a few minutes to open, read, and sort mail as soon as you bring it inside. Keep a trash bin near your sorting area for junk mail. Drop other mail into one of four in-boxes: personal correspondence, bills, catalogs, and filing.

I know these things, but everyday discipline is so boring!  My desire for life organization has to be stronger than my own personal laziness.  This decision happens on an everyday basis.  If I get in my daily organizational groove, then I will just have to sell the other 4 people living in my home on my plan (which requires discipline in and of itself!)  I love the way that I feel after a good home reorganization and clean up.  That is the feeling that I need to remember every day when I am tempted to take short cuts.  I can do it!